Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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