have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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