I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
