There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
