we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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