Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
