An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
