I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
