this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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