I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
