Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
operation have a gay friend backfired
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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