Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
