just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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