Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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