Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
