JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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