Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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