Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We got so high we made milksteak
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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