I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
