I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Randomize
