Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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