Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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