The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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