I heard we made out
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
