i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
