He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
