My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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