I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
last night I used snow as a chaser
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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