i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
