too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
