If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
