My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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