you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize