PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
