Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
