she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
