we have pet lesbian snakes
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
