I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
