Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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