Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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