Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My breasts were aching with rage.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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