dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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