I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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