I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
