Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
