I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
