I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
