Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
