Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
high people should be assigned attendants
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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