I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
