you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
