i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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