There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
