I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
i think i just lost a toe
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
