I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
