you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
