Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
