His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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