he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
