i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She swung at the pinata with crutches
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
