her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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