Banned from zoo.
Again?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
